I WAS AN INTERN FOR SOUTH CAROLINA LEGAL AID

September 2007 through May 2010, I worked my way through law school as an intern with South Carolina Legal Services, in the telephone intake department. We sat for hours in cubicles in a basement, wearing a headset, answering phone call after phone call after phone call, screening clients for income requirements and legal issue categories. I loved this job, and hated it, too---it entertained me hour by sweet b'jesus laughing hour, but, my god, was it exhausting.   

                        http://www.sclegal.org      

ONE DAY, THIS:

boss is out on vacation, so the pecking order has changed, and older lady is riding the donkey of any slight authority she can wrangle in for the week....this has expressed itself w loud prolonged dealing w Staples delivery man over why we received two boxes of toilet paper instead of one box of toilet paper and one box of paper towels..."we dont have any evidence of an order for two boxes of toilet paper"....this conversation led to phone calls "upstairs" to inquire whether they were to receive a box of toilet paper, or if they had "evidence" of said order...

meanwhile

caller wants a divorce...he doesnt know why, as he yawns into the phone.. i inform him we only file physical abuse divorces...which prompts the story about his wife "vacuuming him up" while he was sleeping (midday), his pants, his shirt...why am i laughing?????   i tell him about pro se divorce, that it's cheap, easy way out...and then try to give him the number to call...he yawns and says "nah...im really sleepy right now...i'll jus call u back"....really? okay, i say...talk to ya later, pal.

meanwhile

old lady mentioned above puts callers on hold and shouts while slamming fist on table "what part of no dont u understand, b*tch! damn idiot!"  then releases the hold and restates "NO" louder this time....

meanwhile

i am dreaming of salsa dancing, and the closest i can get to that mirage right now is my puerto rican co-worker who continues to giggle w me and exchange frustrating phrases like "ay, dios mio!" "que porqueria!"....while checking out salsa club websites....

AND ANOTHER DAY, THIS:

Woman just getting out of prison for assault with a deadly weapon, explained to me her version of events: "I tossed what was in my hands. in his direction. it happened to be a knife. scratched him up a bit."

FINALLY, THIS, April 2010:

Me answering call: "Legal services. What county are you calling from?"

Ass on chair, in the nut house, the dungeon of drama, this beige basement, windowless, fluorescent light and computer glow…headset. Ring ring ring…

Me: “What is your legal issue?” caller: “I got me drama. Baby mama drama.”

Door opens with a gust of air and loud squeak. Why can’t we fix the squeak. Does anyone notice the squeak. Less of a squeak more of a screech, like a hawk on prey. When it rains, the carpet slops with water, the air wreaks of mold.

Ring ring ring…

Me: “i need a physical description of her. What color are her eyes?” 

caller: “her eyes? Her eyes be every which way”

me: “every which way, sir?” (how does this answer the question)

caller: “yeah. Every which way.”

Co-worker drops box heavily on ground. Excitedly “y’all come get some coffee.” Coffee? I love coffee. I need coffee. Coffee now. Free coffee? Coffee in a box..huh?...

Me: “let me put you on hold.”

Where’s the coffee? Co-workers circle around box, chairs exhaling with relief, feeling hundreds of ass pounds lighter… “man was throwing this in dumpster outside. I said, uh uh uh. Give it here. Why you wanna dump out perfectly good coffee….”

To us, “y’all take some” sifting through box, lifting bagged coffee into air, shaking it, squeezing it, turning it…

mental note: people don’t throw out boxes of perfectly good coffee…mental note: don’t disrupt the flow…mental note: check date on bag later…

I grab a bag “thaaaaanks”…back to seat, toss coffee by purse.

Me: “thank you for holding.”

(home later, check date, November 2006…NOVEMBER 2006…coffee in trash, quickly, shaking head knowing co-workers will slide into work tomorrow, next day, day after, wondering why their coffee tasted like liquid shit and they're dragging like snails, heavy eyes slipping into coma…)

7 screens open on computer…researching laws, social networking, looking for jobs… looking for jobs? Am I looking for jobs on the job? I am looking for jobs….

caller wants a divorce on physical abuse grounds.

Me: “and then what happened?” caller: “well, the police pulled me over for swerving. I stepped out of car. While I was stumbling toward police officer, my husband gunned the car and tried to run us over. Twice. He tried to run us down. Me and the police officer. Missed us by an inch. Officer pulled his gun and shot him in the head. Head falling off, he smashed into a tractor...yeah, he survived. he's still alive.”

Mental note: and YOU are the one claiming physical abuse?

this morning, eyes open quickly from dream, bracing myself for more drama, voices, accents, shouting, cursing, babies, dogs barking, allegations, tv’s blaring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring…….

Wait. Stop. STOP. Hold it...

today’s Friday. ..is it Friday? It is Friday…adrenaline stops pumping…heart rate slows, slower, slower…sigh…sigh again…NO PHONES ON FRIDAYS…no answering phones on Fridays…head clears…slowly, ceremonially, step out of bed…the last Friday of my 2.5 year internship at the south carolina legal services telephone intake line office…