OLD SOUL

the afterlife. from black to glowing white, with lacy wings.

"you are an old soul," i've heard a few times, from trusted sources. what really is an old soul? so, i googled it. taking a 10 question online quiz to find out if one is an old soul seems to prove one is not. wouldn't an old soul know what an old soul is? one link provides a quiz, question number 7 asks "Do you like to go out in nature and observe all the activity that is normally not noticed by others?" and another site "I always say that an old soul can walk into a room full of people and without even saying a word, three others will adore them and three hate them instantaneously." Naturally, my "research" prompted thoughts of insects, because every time I see a bug, I stoop to take a closer look. And what creature (other than snakes) gets such a violent reaction from others---stomped, crushed, sprayed, cursed, swatted, whacked.

saturday, to pause from the activity of the day, the kids watched Microcosmos, a delightful documentary on insects. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76R2EKEnoJQ.  have you seen this film? incredible shots of the secret world of the little things. it is one of my favorites.  i have loved insects as far back as i can remember. in costa rica as a young child, i would collect already dead ones and pin them to cardboard with straightpins. the particulars of the first walk through the rainforest, at age 8, remains alive in my memory still, every inch of terrain teeming with life. once, while i cheered, my sister recklessly climbed up a second story iron terrace to chase a rhinoceros beetle. 

Costa Rican rhinoceros beetle

last year, i traveled to nyc, from arkansas, and returned home with a glass shadow box of framed butterflies, purchased from a street vendor. it hangs on my wall, a focal point for my gaze.

so lovely

 the grasshopper says good morning.

i met a fella one sunny day at a seed exchange. he noticed insects, too. filming and photographing them,  he charmed me with his mind's eye. captured these little creatures and brought them to my bare walls.  grasshoppers, caterpillars, spiders, flies...the photos have a cartoon quality, as if circus music and dancing could ensue any time.  his short film set to music "bugs, bugs, bugs" grabbed my attention http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-VlgXLumQY. how kind of life to bring me a friend, even if briefly, who shared my curiosity.




many years ago, one night, following my legal separation, during the week my children were away (joint custody: children gone a solid week every other week. growing accustomed to the silence was one of the unexpected hardest experiences post separation), i was awake, alone.  surrounded by a pile of law books, laying on the floor in the minutes following midnight, the silence moved throughout the room so incredibly loud it reverberated through my ears and down my spine to the empty hollow of my heart...i felt the roach before i saw him...he was that big. as if his feet pattered, a vibration that moved across the carpet. and then i heard him, too. scurrying like a mouse.  my first conscious thought, with a bit of crazy tinged joy, came out an exclamation "i'm not alone!" ...and then i killed him. roaches demand respect---they never die. but sometimes they die, like at 2:33 a.m., when they jump you in a dead sleep, running down your elbow, being flung across the room, redoubling their efforts and five minutes later scurrying down your sleeping back. not even an old soul dreaming in 300 count bedsheets, can meet a survivalist roach pre dawn and mistake it for a soulmate.  

He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious. - Sun Tzu, The Art of War. c.400-320 b.c.