AWARDS AND ANTIDOTES

Today I attended the 5^th grade awards ceremony.  Kids piled in carrying chairs, seated themselves, then squirmed, smirked, applauded, for the couple of hours that followed.  Parents, too. As a grand finale, the principal switched from authoritative order giver to nurturing mother hen, and belted out a song about being "better for having known you." Some things lend themselves to parody. Particularly when mid song the voice cracks with emotion, while 5th grade boys fart in their chairs. But if that's not funny, it's also not nice.

My oldest son raked in the awards this week: Highest Academic Achievement Award, Presidential Award, on top of his top in his class mathematics award (which he brought home folded in half and crumpled in his back pack. "why did you fold this, luke?" "because i had to get it home." fair enough.) and Quiz Bowl participant award.  

I flashed back to a scene some 5 years ago. “Is he having an affair” the half balding white male attorney asked me casually in a deep south carolinian accent. After attending a year of marital counseling alone (yes, it really does take two people to achieve any results in marital counseling), I found myself in a dimly lit, heavily furnished, family law attorney's office, to pay $300 and explore my options. The act alone felt risky, scandalous, bold, blasphemous, sacriligous.  I answered him, without emotion, attempting to make absurdities appear logical, as had become my habit “No I don't think so, because I usually know who the object of his affection is, and at this time can't name anyone.” A slight head tilt, squinting of the eyes, he continued, “look for hairs on his shirts, the faint lingering aroma of perfume, lipstick on collar, and condoms in his car.” 

In the fog, “impossible” I thought. 

He then offered me a condescending warning I will never forget “you know, ma'am, let me be clear, single mother's children end up using drugs, leading a life of crime, dropping out of school, getting pregnant in their teens...”  


whoa whoa whoa. hold on just a minute, mister.  


You can expose infidelity, you can suggest divorce, you can throw out ridiculously high numbers for legal fees, you can patronizingly explain the way the world works...BUT YOU MAY NOT CURSE MY CHILDREN. Back straightening right up, stone cold defiant gaze, looking right into his soul, "THAT, sir, will not be our fate. Excuse me, I will be leaving now."

So, today we celebrate the end of another school year. Ava graduating all smiles, shiny blonde hair, delicate lilac dress, snaggle toothed grin, reading and writing daily. Leif, recommended for the upcoming GT program next year, capturing every teacher's attention with his creative writing and illustrations. Luke, devouring every academic activity in sight, like candy.

Obviously, the teenage years lay ahead, so I'd be a fool to give advice, as if retrospect could be had beforehand. But, there are antidotes to the typical societal ills accompanying single parenting, that start with young kids. Here are my top three: 1- Severely limit television time. NO MATTER WHAT. Even if you have a final the next day, even if you are sick with pneumonia, even if you are exhausted at the end of a long week.  It is a habit that changes the way children perceive free time. 2- Eat supper together at the table at least 3x a week. NO MATTER WHAT. Even if the meal is a frozen pizza. Even if you get home at 5:30, starving. Even if you are exhausted at the end of a long week. This is the time of day when conversation is most natural.  3- Play outside with your kids.  NO MATTER WHAT. Even if it's 90 degrees, add popsicles and water to the mix. Even if it's drizzling, be ready to strip down and wash a load of dirty laundry. Even if you are exhausted at the end of a long week. This is when your kids will laugh, a lot.