FAIL

Failure is best discussed in retrospect. Some great life lesson learned. Some new direction revealed after falling, falling, falling, groundless to the rock solid bottom.  Take J.K Rowling: 

"Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy to finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one area where I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter, and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."  – J. K. Rowling, Harvard commencement address, 2008

Who wants to say, while it's happening: my legs hurt, like hell, because for years I've been coddled (hardly, but kind of when contrasted to physical labor) in the courtroom, and now I'm assisting a caterer.

Smiling while sucking at waiting tables was my specialty. That was me at 19. Made great tips, though. Forgot every order as soon as I turned away from the table toward the kitchen, to self: was it NO mustard? Or NO mayonnaise? hmmmm. Guess I'll leave off both and add stoby's sauce (a kind of mixture of the two)" 

Smiling, smiling a lot, I presented random compilations remotely resembling what had actually been requested.  Working breakfast, I'd show up before 7, having only a few hours of sleep. At 17, 18, 19, Friday nights are NOT for sleeping. My legs, at the knees, ached by shift's end.

A degree and a child later, I stood all day as a teacher. Spanish teacher in a private school in Houston, TX. Legs ached hard by day's end. (So did my soul, and my bored mind.)

Yesterday, 2 degrees later, 3 children later, a law license later, many years later, many things later (Just later. way LATER)I stood not even all day grating cheese, dicing tomatos, mincing jalapenos, mixing, stirring, tossing...melted a block of butter. grated a block of cheese.  My friend, a budding entrepeneur caterer, prepared for a party. I was her assistant. 

The yin and yang. For years, I've been sitting at a desk,  hunkered back, eyes glazing from computer glow, brain aching from reading, reconstructing, critically analyzing, creating, editing...words and words and words...for years now. Years. Mind achy by day's, week's end. Emotional energy spent.

Once, I saw an educational show that described in great detail, with charts, and graphs, formulas and british accents, how the world would "end" when some stellar body type thing would collide with the earth. There would be no end, really, just a change in shape. The shape of things would change--the oxygen level, the light of the sun, the tilt of the axis, the depth of water. The energy would still exist. I took great comfort in this.

milky way
The Church, Under the Milky Way Tonight  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q6nKP10j4s

Chopin's The Awakening helps, describes so well the act of changing course:  

"To succeed, the artist must possess the courageous soul...Courageous, ma foi! The brave soul. The soul that dares and defies." 

"Be careful; the stairs and the landings are dark; don't stumble." 

"She stood naked in the open air, at the mercy of the sun, the breeze that beat upon her, and the waves that invited her. How strange it seemed to stand naked under the sky! how delicious! She felt like a newborn creature, opening its eyes in a familiar world that it had never known...

she swims out to sea 

"Her arms and legs were growing tired...exhaustion was pressing upon and overpowering her....the shore was far behind her and her strength was gone." 

Feeling ridiculous, a bit of physical labor for one day, at age 33, kicked my sorry ass. It is good to gain respect for the bulk of my fellow mankind.  Reminded me of a precious children's story, A Chair For My Mother. A grandmother, a mother, and a daughter are saving up to buy a chair to rest in. They are in a new home. All their belongings had burned in a fire. "My mother works as a waitress in the Blue Tile Diner...Sometimes she's so tired she falls asleep while I count the money into piles..."  

Dreamed last night, I did a round off and flip so high it took me seconds to drop. Nailed the landing.



Mother to Son

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Langston Hughes